A Druckin Split Pea Soup Disaster

Dear Food Network and (it pains me to say this) Alton Brown:

Druck you for passing off this pea soup recipe as soup, which it most certainly is NOT. Visually, it’s contents of baby diaper. Texturally, it’s pea pudding. Flavor-wise, it’s… uninspired. I stored it in the refrigerator where it congealed into a solid, slime-green mass.

Might work as a plug for the BP pipe.

I did exactly what the recipe said. I chopped onion. Smashed garlic. Scooped an entire tablespoon of curry. And when I took the plastic cover off the bowl the next morning, a cloud of noxious gas filled my nose and my apartment. This is biological warfare, Food Network and Mr. Brown. I am charging my new air freshener to YOU. You are also responsible for THIS:

Four squares of pure, pea-free bliss.

I had to get the pea-pudding taste out of my mouth in some way, and this was it. So now I’ll have to charge you for my gym membership. (I’m thinking one month is fair.) Finally, we come to the matter of toxic pea-soup disposal. I have a green blob in my refrigerator that I can cut with a knife. It probably weighs six lbs. How am I supposed to get it down the drain? Do you have any recommendations for removal? Can you send someone over in a Haz-Mat suit?

If this smelly, amorphous insult to good soups everywhere shreds my Dispos-All (as I suspect it will), I’ll add that to your tally. And next Food Network recipe I make, I’ll know to have chocolate at the ready. Just in case.

Love and best dishes,
Mother Drucker

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8 Comments

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8 responses to “A Druckin Split Pea Soup Disaster

  1. Kristi

    Sorry it was such a disaster but your letter is hilarious! You’re sending this to Food Network, right? Hope you notify BP, too!

  2. Michele L

    Sorry to hear about your pea soup debacle. I love pea soup! I have tried to make it before and it wasn’t pretty or good. What the druck are we doing wrong?

    • debra

      i KNOW! i threw it away this morning and i SWEAR that it doubled in size overnight!!! we should reconvene over a cocktail (or many!) and brainstorm solutions. maybe next week? miss you!!! thanks for reading!

  3. Sheaskin

    That’s hilarious. What on earth made you think pea soup sounded appealing anyway?

  4. Tanya

    Mmmm, I LOVE butternut squash…I’ve altered mine to be a ‘spicy thai’ version, it is yum!

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