Bears Offseason Takes a Turner for the Worse

Former Bears offensive coach Ron Turner. Code name: BUBBLES.

So Bears offensive coach Ron Turner was fired. Whoop tee da. The lamb has been sacrificed, pass the mint jelly, blahdy druckin blah. I am so disgusted with the Chicago Bears mismanagement that I can hardly bear to speak of it.

To be clear: I never, EVER expected the cheapass McCaskeys to fire Lovie. (Remember the Honey Bears? Cheerleaders cost money, but wholesome family fun is priceless! In fact, I can take MY family of four to the game for… wait for it… $1100! And that’s not including the PSL.)

Look at those HOT eighties outfits! Like, totally.

But it WAS fun to toy with the idea, in the same way that I toy with the idea of selling a screenplay and making millions. The odds are better that I’ll be struck by lightning. But a girl can DREAM.

And I think it’s AWESOME and TYPICAL that the Bears are now considering Joe Cullen (formerly of the Lions, because THAT’S a winning program if I ever saw one!) for defensive line coach. Joe Cullen. Famous for DUIs and for driving naked through a fast-food drive-through lane in ’06.

All this and no first round picks. WOW! The teens already look like a winning decade, Bears fans! (Or they will be, if you work at a Chicagoland Burger King near Cullen’s new home.)

I was going to write about my amazing Chicago pizza experience last weekend in — of all places — Berkeley, CA, but that will have to wait for tomorrow because this Bears rant has made me slightly nauseated and thinking about food makes it worse. Yesterday Advil, today Tums. I’m a regular Kardashian when it comes to product placement! Get my agent on the phone; I’m ready to make a deal.

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